ROMANTIC STORIES
everytime,you whisper
romantic stories
i feel the warmth of
your words
like robe
enveloping my silence.
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ROMANTIC STORIES
everytime,you whisper
romantic stories
i feel the warmth of
your words
like robe
enveloping my silence.
7 Comments
che, wat f ibaba nlng nimu ang you whisper..so, sa first line nlng nimu ang everytime..db??ms gwapo tan-awun kng ang period lng sa last line imu punctuataion????wat do u tthink???suggestion lang pd ni..
Mubo ayu…
Hmmmmm
Nag what sila???
Nagtapad and nag whisper…
then what????
common…
* there’s nothing new in presenting the “romantic stories”
* though i can feel some emotion, im not sure if what kind of emotion(s) it is coz your poem laxks details…
*(–,)
FOR THE POEM MESS
• first stanza is not a list of inanimate objects..
• your telling us that the emotion you are trying to evoke is “emptiness”
• you described things such as “crumpled”, “wrinkled”, “smudged”. Better describe all the things na lang..
• bettr let the things evoke the emotions. I guess that is the point of the activity..
• sayang tuloy yung formation ng things mo.. Messed!!
FOR THE POEM LAST NIGTH
• nice one! I can now see the details clearly
• but confusing pa irn ang mentioned detais.. imean, start sa “perhaps….(upto the end)” confusing na sya… kasi you re telling us already what’s the real score. Give us something to think about..
• good thing you go away with the “heavy revolutionary words”.. congrats!!! Ü
FOR THE POEM COUNTING
• I like the way you presented the thought of the idea “counting”… simple lang..
FOR THE POEM VEX
* I really like the usage of the “shelf” and “books”. Keep it up!!! make your poems morbid (as you waned it to be) without using any “blood” or “death” or “revolution”… Ü
Why on earth we can not post comments on your other poems?
Try to check your profile..
Maybe there is something wrong
on MESS:
“ I hated to see litters on the floor.
They stained emptiness”
The only lines I find strong and good all through this poem. The enumerated things were not effectively run through. I mean the presence of “lighters” seemed to destroy the dramatic effect of the items. Moreover, can u put it in another way when u described the cigarette butts? Maybe u can have a better description of the things to highlight the emotion.
I don’t know f u intend to order that stanza that way:
“I
could
have
cleaned
the room.”
Sakit xa sa mata..i mean, mkuha ang attention sa reader pg-abot dha nga lines. Maybe u can also work on that…or was it because u want ur poem to be as messy as I was already having notions of it?hmmmp…
On LAST NIGHT:
Woah!gwapo ang idea nga gconvey dre sa imu poem. Gone are the morbidity and “gorisome” air. Mas humane na imu poem, so to say. There is so much emotion here but u hav to rework on the lines to make these “emo” surface.
Hir’s my reworking:
“The last night I saw him
Was at a movie house
Gazing at the young woman
Stripping off her crimson dress
On the big screen”
Pero general or too cold lang kau ang “young woman.” Dugange pa ni ug description pra mkta gni ang “passion” which I think crowds the whole poem. Gwapo mn gd ang emphasis nga mahitabu thru the crimson dress. Make the woman hot against the cold “big screen.”
SA second stanza, wat do u want to mean in “men kept in mugs?” Unsa pd ning savage and naked? G-rape iya anak or wat? Nalibog q sa words/order of words nimu…
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